Hey again, it’s me, Brian. Big week this week, Space Throne is out, so if you’re reading this and you haven’t picked it up yet—you should feel bad. If you’re reading this and you’ve picked it up already, then you’re my favorite.
I’m going to keep this post upbeat considering my last one was deep within my feelings after losing my grandmother, but I feel like I have to say something about the loss of Eddie Van Halen.
If you don’t know who that is, you’re probably going to hate this post about music videos, so fair warning, and if you’re a Van Halen fan, you probably noticed that I just referenced one of their albums.
Anyway, Eddie Van Halen was one of those god-like personalities that roamed the earth when I was growing up. An icon like Michael Jackson, David Bowie, or Michael Jordan. Someone whose talent was so game-changing, it was like they were from another planet. I’ve played guitar for about thirty years now, and I still can’t fathom how someone’s brain, much less their fingers do what he did on a fret board. The red, black, and white criss-cross patterns he spray-painted on his guitar defined a look of the 80s, in the same way he defined a sound.
I realize now that the first music video I remember seeing was Van Halen’s Jump, so I figured I’d do a top ten list about music videos even though I should probably focus on EVH’s guitars, guitar tone, or legendary feuds with front men.
Now, I was six or seven when MTV hit the mainstream, which meant that I wasn’t allowed to watch it. Which, naturally, meant that I’d just ride my bike to one of my friends’ houses and watched it there.
Yeah, I had multiple friends back then. It was a good time.
So, here we go.
1) Tom Petty’s “Don’t Come Around Here No More”
Now you may be thinking to yourself, “Did this guy really start a top ten list with his favorite video? Doesn’t he know you’re supposed to count down?” And you know what? You’re probably right, but I figure let’s get on the same page before you keep reading. This video is my favorite. When I think of MTV, I think of a creepy Tom Petty in an oversized hat, cutting into a beautiful woman who, turns out, is made of cake.
2) Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”
Maybe this should be number one, but it isn’t, so deal with it. Life isn’t a meritocracy. I think I was in second grade when this came out, and it was bonkers. The 80s were weird, and even elementary school kids were super-into music videos—maybe because half of us weren’t allowed to watch them, I don’t know.
Thriller wasn’t just in regular rotation on MTV, but if you stayed up until midnight, you got to watch it on a crappy Friday night show on NBC called, and you’re not going to believe this: Friday Night Videos.
My friends and I would sleep over at each others’ houses, drink way too much Coke, and bounce off the walls until the video finally came on. Our over-caffeinated, sugar-bugged eyes were treated to a true masterpiece of 80s culture where Michael Jackson pretended to be a normal person who went on dates to movies, and then, more believably, danced around as a zombie, and ended the video as a werewolf, I guess?
I don’t know, but I loved it then, and I love it now.
Incidentally, I just watched an MTV documentary and learned that MTV paid the production costs for Thriller. And since they didn’t want the word to get out that they’d financed a music video, they funded it by optioning the rights for The Making of “Thriller.”
Classic 80s move.
3) The Cars, “You Might Think”
This song is great, and the video is ri-got-dam-diculous. It was a total mind-fuck of special effects when I saw it in 1984 or whatever, but I watched it again just now as part of this little blog exercise, and it still just as cuckoo bananas.
Some people couldn’t ever get their heads around why Paulina Porizkova was with Rick Ocasek, but it always made perfect sense to anyone who grew up watching this video. The Cars were a great band, Rick Ocasek was a true rock star, and this video could arguably be at number one for me.
But it’s not, it’s number three.
4) Run DMC/Aerosmith “Walk This Way”
I had a tape with Run DMC’s Raisin’ Hell on one side and Michael Jackson’s Bad on the other, so looking back on it, I really kicked ass as a fourth-grader.
I had no idea who Aerosmith was, and didn’t really understand why they were in this video, but I learned to like them later.
5) Van Halen “Jump”
Look, this video shouldn’t be great. It’s a bunch of guys in spandex mugging for the camera, but they were the coolest bunch of dudes in 1984, and the video still works for some reason. Probably because of the song. The synth, the fretboard gymnastics, what’s not to like?
Sidenote: I remember eight year old me annoying a bunch of people in the Mayflower Café in Jackson, MS by spending two dollars on the jukebox and picking this song for every quarter. And by a bunch of people, I include my entire family into that mix.
6) Ray Parker Jr “Ghostbusters”
Growing up in Waco, TX, watching this video was just as cool as watching the movie. I took gymnastics as a kid, and there was a tiny little television nook just off the main floor for some reason. Every time this video would come on, our exasperated, feathered-hair teacher would take a big sigh and stomp her feet as her entire class booked it across the performance mat to skid into place in front of the TV, shouting along to the hook of the song.
(the hook of the song was Ghostbusters, just in case you forgot)
And hey, Chevy Chase was in the video for some reason. I didn’t know who he was, really, but I knew he was supposed to be funny, so I laughed when he came on, in the hopes the other kids in gymnastics thought I was cool.
7) Bon Jovi “Blaze of Glory”
I know. I know! What? Fucking Blaze of Glory, are you serious?
Yes. Look, it’s my top ten.
I was a huge fan of Young Guns and Bon Jovi. Not to mention that I went to some sort of Christian outdoorsy survival camp thing in Lincoln County, New Mexico that summer. This thing couldn’t help but burn itself deep into my coiled gray matter, and by that, I’m talking about my brain.
The song is pretty good, Jon Bon Jovi even works in the name of the movie into the lyrics.
“I’m a young guuuuuuuun
Ayyyy-eeee-yay-eeh yaaaay
Young Guuuuuuuuuuuuu
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Nnn.”
I wore out two tapes of this album.
8) Foo Fighters “Big Me”
My roommates and I died every time this video came on. Couldn’t believe this was the same guy who played drums in Nirvana. Great video, even better album. Even got me to eat mentos for a hot minute.
9) Beastie Boys “Sabotage”
Jesus police radio squelching Christ, this video is hilarious. Still, to this day. The music is incredible, but this video … this video . . . oh god, maybe this video should be number one. What have I done?
10) Guns n’ Roses “November Rain”
I recently read somewhere that President Trump would make his staffers watch this video because he thought it was great. As bonkers as it sounds, it’s not even in the top ten weirdest things I’ve heard about the man this week. So, if I ever meet him, I guess we have some common ground.
I think this is it. This is the high point of the music industry. I refuse to look at actual statistics, so just go with me.
The record label threw ungodly money at Use Your Illusion I & II and maybe even more money at this epic, over-the-top, self-indulgent video.
And, that’s great, because it works.
I don’t know how, but it does.
It has it all, supermodel Stephanie Seymour, Slash phallic guitar solo in a graveyard, and rain. What more do you want?
11) Fastball “The Way”
One: of course, there’s an eleven in my top ten, and two: hell yeah, this one. Austin in the 90s was incredible, and nothing epitomizes it more than this band, this song, and this video for me. I still listen to All the Pain Money Can Buy from time to time, and Fastball had a real moment back then.
12) “Weird” Al Yankovic “Like a Surgeon”
I was on vacation in San Antonio when I watched this video for the first time. Nothing like room service hamburgers, a freezing cold hotel room, and a mother darting in front of the television terrified that it was the Madonna version to make an impression.
Honorable Mention
1) Bruce Springsteen “Dancing in the Dark”
Because of Courtney Cox. I’ve had a crush on her for most of my life, from Family Ties to now.
There it is, you’ve done it. You’ve wasted a perfectly good ten minutes or whatever of your life reading this. I thought about adding youtube links to every one of these, but decided that was too much work, and that I’d probably Rick Roll one of the links, and I don’t think people even do that anymore.
Now, go buy my book and leave a nice review. My mom reads those.