Blog #50 and 50 states—see what I did? Anyway, GILM! is out now, the wait is over, so go read the book and listen to the song. What are you waiting for? Do it!! Please.
Blog #49: It's Cold
So, I've been trying to post regularly, but every time I have for the past couple of weeks, I've come up with an idea to put in a new book. This week, I had everything set to go and realized I'd come up with the perfect way into a sequel for GILM!.
(Should the need arise)
Without giving too much away, it has to do with bad luck and a pretty weird start to 2024. For example, I'm only using four out of five fingers on my right hand to type this due to a weird tin-can mishap a couple of weeks ago. Gross, right? That's right.
Anyway, so rather than a think piece, I figured I'd just hit you with a book marketing update.
Right now, I'm trying to drive people to NetGalley for those sweet, sweet advance reviews. People are more willing to take a chance on a book they haven't heard of as long as there are some stars next to that sucker when it's time to purchase.
I've come up with some snappy one to two-sentence ad copy for Amazon ads that I'll start next Monday to try and drive people to pre-order, but more importantly, help prime (unintentional pun) the Amazon algorithm for the book, so we're hitting the ground running on launch day.
That's about it for updates. I hope you made it through the seemingly nationwide ice and snowpocalypse. I'll see you again in a week or two.
Blog #48: Raptors and Border Terriers
Welcome back from the holidays, I hope you had a great time. I know I did—right up to the point my dog decided to go full chaos gremlin mode on the plane ride back to Portland from Texas.
That's right, despite a full dose of Trazadone, my dog managed to bust out of her TAA-certified travel bag to try and meet the rest of the cabin, or whatever her goal was. I'm not sure why. She had more room underneath that seat than anyone else on the plane. Can you imagine lying down during a flight?
I know it's possible for humans on some flights if you're willing to shell out some serious cash. It's a full-on luxury first-class experience, and my dog, the littlest Brisket, had that going on but decided it wasn't good enough.
Now, you may be asking yourself, what happens if a dog gets loose on a plane? Do they turn around? Find the nearest airport between take-off and final destination for an emergency landing and booting of passenger and dog?
The truth is, I don't know, and I didn't want to find out the hard way on that flight.
So, I did what anyone would do with those scenarios playing out in their head on the first flight out in the dark, cold, early morning, operating on about three and a half hours of sleep would do. I held the bag together with my hands for the next four hours.
Now, you might think that eventually, a dog would see the futility of their situation and sit back and rest, but I guess that's not the way of the border terrier because she was relentless. The raptors in Jurassic Park had nothing on her. She tested every possible weakness on that bag, but thankfully, I was able to hold on and find a pet-friendly Uber for the ride back home from the airport.
I was even able to use my cramped-up fingers like a normal human a few days later.
So ... what else is going on? Oh! GILM! is about a month out from its release. That's pretty great, right? Have you pre-ordered it yet? That's OK, there's still time! Also, plenty of time to tell your friends, family, and enemies you may think could be turned into allies by a well-written YA book about a new kid misusing magic to fit into a new school.
I'm not sure that anyone has ever turned enemy to ally with the power of YA magical realism, but if you try it and it works, let me know.
Blog #47: Merry Little Batman and the GILM!tar
Anyone watched "Merry Little Batman" yet? It is easily my favorite Christmas movie since "Elf," and one of my favorite Christmas-themed anything I've ever seen. Too much hyperbole? Maybe.
The animation is incredible. Kind of reminds me of the artwork from Miss Nelson is Missing (book and cartoon) or The BFG (the 80s cover, anyway), only animated to perfection.
And Owen Wilson is Batman, what do you want?
Anyway, check it out, and while you're at it, watch or re-watch "The Guardians of the Galaxy Christmas Special." It won me over immediately with The Old 97s dressed up as aliens banging out the number two song on my current holiday playlist and goes from there.
In GILM! news, you know how there's a guitar on the cover with a bunch of stickers? Well, I figured I would make that happen. We’re calling it the GILM!tar, but I bet you already put that together from the title of the blog.
I got a Fender Highway Serious sitka-topped parlor guitar, and I've been having a ton of fun playing it around the house.
The parlor-style guitar is supposed to be a quieter experience, so I don't have a big problem with how it sounds acoustically for playing around the house, and once you plug it in, you can get a great sound. Fender didn't pay me for a review or anything, but it's a great guitar if you're the acoustic guy in an electric band. Best setup I've seen for something like that since the Godin Flat Five X.
Blog #46: An Editor's Pick!
Up front: I haven’t watched the Bake-Off finale yet, so no spoilers. Also, I can’t think of a fun play on words for forty-six, so we’re just going to go straight in for the GILM! update.
An Editor’s Pick on Booklife! <—- (click here to read it)
That’s right, the first review is in for GILM! is in and it’s a good one. So, what does that mean? Well, it means that I’m heavily swayed by external validation, but the Editors Pick also opens up some distribution options, which is pretty fun.
Now to update the marketing literature and wait for one or two more before I start sending packets out to media outlets and bookstores.
Blog #45: Cup For Cup The Best One Yet
Just so you know, I wrote a long, meandering story about Thanksgiving lunch vs. dinner and how weird it is that we don't have a standard for a holiday dedicated to food (and gratitude, I guess--whatever), but I deleted it and chose to move forward with a recipe for gluten-free pie crust instead.
I'm not gluten-free myself, but after years of gluten-free adjacency, I've finally found a crust that is just as good or better than any gluten-rich variety.
To start, you need the right flour. Cup4Cup is, hands down, the best gluten-free option out there. So start with the right ingredient. It's expensive, but how often do you make pie? Go ahead, splurge.
OK, here's the recipe:
1 1/4 cup gluten-free flour. (Again, Cup4Cup is the go-to)
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
1/4 teaspoon of salt
1/4 cup salted butter
1/4 cup shortening, chilled
1 large egg
1/4 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
3 tablespoons of ice cold water
You have the ingredients, now here's what you do with them.
Mix the wet-ish stuff together (eggs, butter, shortening, water, vinegar). You don't actually have to mix them, I just throw them all in the same bowl.
Slide the wet elements into the mixing bowl of a stand mixer where your dry ingredients are waiting, and then use the paddle attachment to combine until the dough starts to form.
Pull the dough together into a ball or disk, wrap it in plastic wrap, and set it in the fridge for an hour or so.
When you're ready to roll, pull it from the fridge and let it sit at room temp for 10-15 minutes.
Set some parchment paper on your counter and toss some gluten-free flour down.
Start rolling the dough. Make sure you're folding to get lamination, but this dough is tricky. You can't let it get too warm, or it will not stay together. I'm going for around 6-8 folds right now.
Cut to your pan's measurements (9-10 1/2 inches) and blind-bake like you would any other dough. Set ceramic beans, beans, or lentils into parchment paper resting on top of the dough for ten minutes, then 3-5 minutes without at 425.
Good luck! Email me if you have any questions, but make sure to mention you read my blog, otherwise I'll be confused.
GILM! update:
I received the custom bubble mailers, and they look pretty good! I have almost everything I need before sending out ARCs to media outlets and bookstores. Just waiting on some pull-quotes from reviewers to site in my cover letter.
Other than that, The Mars McClanes finished a couple of songs this week. Our latest single, "December Songs" (out now), and "Until You Lose" (January 8th). One is a Christmas song, and the other isn't. I'll let you guess which is which.
While we're on the topic of Christmas, if you're looking for a holiday playlist for your tree-trimming or light-gazing walks, then check this out: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/79pNdUGARkhslcudtINN5v
Blog #44: Last Call For Pumpkin
We're hurtling toward Thanksgiving and the end of all things Pumpkin until September 2024.
What makes pumpkin the perfect fall flavor? Primarily nutmeg and clove, I think. Anyway, it is, and I've made two pumpkin pies every week so far in November in preparation for the big day on Thursday. That's right, while every other writer in the world has been grinding out words for NaNoWriMo, I've been stepping up to my own strange challenge of baking a couple of pumpkin pies every week. I'll spare you the portmanteau.
But after Thursday I'll be done. It will be Christmas time, so pumpkin will be out and mint will be in. That's right, mint. For when it's cold outside and you want your inside to feel the same.
I'm just kidding. Mint is delightful, who doesn't like mint?
Paul Hollywood, if it's overbaked.
This brings me to this week's Bake-Off update. Who saw the Christy send-off coming? Not me. Not after a second-place finish in the technical. Paul and Prue are ruthless this year.
OK: timely topic and Bake-Off updates? Check and check.
What about GILM!?
Well, last week I talked about un-boxing videos and lamented that I don't have that kind of budget. Well, the jokes on me. Thanks to Sticker Mules' marketing team, I realized that I could design a bubble-mailer envelope. So, now I can fit my 5.5" x 8.25" book along with my sticker sheet and cover letter of the same size inside a custom envelope.
I hope reviewers like lightning bolts and spiders...
Blog #43: The Practice Jersey
We were issued practice jerseys when I played basketball in high school. For some people, they got their corresponding game jersey number, but for whatever reason, I was handed the number 43 and then just kept going with it. Come to think of it, my game jersey numbers were kind of all over the place. Preferably 42 or 24, but sometimes a 35 or 5. Never 43. I don’t think we even had a number 43 game jersey. What does this say about me? Probably something.
There is no point to this story other than to explain what the number 43 means to me. It’s like associating with a dream or an illusion, but it’s an association all the same. Hey, maybe that’s why I like reading and writing fantasy novels.
We’ll never know.
So . . .
I’ve been reading Jeff Tweedy’s World Within A Song this week. Jeff Tweedy is the frontman for my favorite band, Wilco, and the author of the best book on songwriting I’ve ever read, How To Write One Song. World Within A Song is a fascinating read for me. Snippets of songs and how they’ve influenced someone who I believe to be one of the best songwriters of all time (we don’t need to rank, but here we go: Lennon/McCartney, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Prince—you know on second thought, this is too time-consuming and kind of distracting).
Anyway, I’m a huge Jeff Tweedy fan, so I can’t get enough of this type of stuff. If you’re not a musician or Wilco fan, this book may not be for you, but if you’ve ever wanted to write (or finish) a song, then go check out How To Write One Song. There literally is no better book on songwriting.
Want a GILM! update? If so, just keep reading.
The proofs for the print version arrived this week, and they look fantastic. I don’t feel like it’s bragging since Ellen Lampl designed the cover and Jessica Reed formatted the interior, so I hope it doesn’t come off that way. They did an amazing job, and I’m so proud of the end result!
So, what’s next?
I’m putting together media kits to send out to press outlets and bookstores. I printed a bunch of 5.5 x 8.25 sheets of stickers to match the dimensions of the book, and this week, I ordered cardstock of the same size for cover letters. I’ve never tried this type of approach before, so I have no idea if it works.
I’ve seen all sorts of custom unboxing videos on booktok, bookstagram, and booktube—but I don’t have that type of budget. Maybe I’ll draw some lightning bolts on the envelopes for a little more flair.
Only three more monthly twelfths until launch. Wish me luck. Please.
Blog #42: The other blog was forty, but this one is too
Another great week on Bake-Off and one more week closer to the launch of GILM!. I know it’s not on brand for The Great British Bake Off to be my favorite show, but I can’t help it. Sure, this would be a great space for a Halloween recap of fun, spooky shows, but no. We’re going to talk about Paul, Prue, and the gang, as well as progress made in marketing the new book.
A real nail-biter for Saku, and a tough week for Tasha. Pairing hibiscus with ginger? C’mon Saku! Just kidding, this is fake outrage since I obviously can’t taste whatever the contestants are putting forward, but I’ll take Paul and Prue’s word for it. Saku is the glue for the bakers on-screen chemistry this season—or should we say the binding agent? The egg? Xanthan gum? Whatever, she’s a real gem, holding this year’s contestants together, and I hope she keeps finding a way.
Tasha had a spotty week with a cracking signature, last-place technical, and solid showstopper. Good to see her pull through for another week.
Lol, “cracking signature.” Who have I become?
Anyway, the banter between Noel and Alison continues to thrive, making this one of my favorite seasons of the show so far.
So, what about GILM!, you ask?
Welp, five test ARCs (advanced reader copies) are on the way. If those look good, we’ll order more and send them out for reviews and coverage—the whole nine. We got sticker sheets last week in 8x10 and 5.5 x 8.25 formats (same size as the book). Thankfully, the smaller sheet looks better since they can pack easily with the book and are cheaper to make. Those will go out with the ARCs to try and set GILM! apart from the others. We’ll see. Either way, they’re great. Thanks for the idea and design, Ellen!
The manuscript is up on NetGalley and BookSirens, but some folks need to see the book in-hand to review.
That’s about it, really. Other than compiling beats for a sequel if the book takes off.
Feel free to drop me a line if you have some ideas for marketing or would like to be a part of the book launch street team. You can reach me @nicebookbrian on socials or @nicebookbrian@gmail.com.
Blog #41: Fordy Wan Kenobi
Well, hello there! Couple of days away from Halloween and looking for something to watch?
Here are a few recommendations:
The Fall of the House of Usher – I’m watching anything Mike Flanagan has a hand in creating. Full stop. I love how most of his shows are scary as hell in the first couple of episodes, but over the course of the series, you find empathy with whatever scared you, and now you can safely fall to sleep without worrying about something terrifying looming in the corner. The Fall of the House of Usher isn’t as terrifying up front, but it sure brings the creepy throughout. Enjoyable regardless of whether or not you’re a fan of Poe, but there are plenty of Easter eggs throughout for those in the know. It’s like Succession meets your worst nightmares.
Goosebumps – Like a lighter creepy vibe? Hey, me too. The latest installment of the Goosebumps series has put together a great cast of adults (Rob Huebel - Human Giant, Justin Long - Jeepers Creepers, Rachael Harris - Lucifer, and Leonard Roberts - Heroes also Girl in the Woods!) to pair with an interesting and diverse group of kids. Great mix of monster of the week vibes tying into an over-arching story set in the Pacific Northwest. Kind of like a certain book launching in February…
The Great British Baking Show – OK, nothing creepy here. Just pleasant, good times. Alison Hammond is a great addition as a new host alongside Noel Fielding (Old Greg).
Doom Patrol – Doom Patrol’s fourth and final season is a strong closeout to the series (so far, at least). Kind of reminiscent to the last season of Dirk Gently.
Annual rewatches: The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (cartoon and Tim Burton), The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (especially the first two seasons), Hocus Pocus, and Hubie Halloween. Yeah, I said Hubie Halloween, don’t make it a thing. Of course, The Great Pumpkin is on Apple+.
Book News
GILM! has been uploaded to NetGalley, so if you participate in the platform and like my books, go download a copy and leave a review! I also got the first proofs back on the GILM! bookmarks, and although the quality is high, I messed up on the background. The misty/cloudy effect looks cool but makes the copy tough to read, so back to the drawing board on that one. Which is fine because I need to source reviews before I finalize the design.
Sticker sheets are in, and they look amazing! Like the decals on the guitar featured on the cover? Good, those stickers will be going out with all my ARCs.
The real question is, should I actually put them on one of my guitars?
A search for GILM! still brings up the word “film,” so I have a ways to go in building SEO for the book. Maybe mentioning GILM! a few more times on this post will help. GILM! GILM! GILM!
So, there you go. Book news. We did it, y’all.
Blog #40: Something, something U2
Alright, this blog post has nothing to do with U2, but for those who get the reference, you’re welcome, I guess.
This past week was an exciting one. Uploaded the e-book to Kindle, revealed the cover, submitted for reviews—the launch is getting real. I even printed off some demo bookmarks and sticker sheets. Yeah, that’s right, sticker sheets! If you like the decals on the cover’s guitar, then you can have some of your very own.
I’m looking forward to this release. The book is a nice, tight story with a grounded world, weird goings-on, and characters I can’t wait for you to meet. Actually, I guess you can meet some of them right now. Just click on the header for GILM!-Chapter One.
Blog #39: Great News, Everyone!
Mark your calendars! 📆 February 12th, 2024 is the grand release date of my brand-new book: GILM!. And you might be wondering, what's with the tagline "Everybody's saying it"? Well, I guess you’ll find out when you read the book, huh?
Great news for all the e-readers out there: it's already up for pre-order on Kindle. And for the traditional book lovers, don’t fret, the paperback version is on its way too.
Want a sneak peek? I've got the first chapter up on the website for you. Head on over and see if it's up your alley!
Blog #38: Origins of a story
So, I’ve sent my draft over to my editor for the new project, and I’m simultaneously pleased and dissatisfied with the result. Which, believe it or not, is a good sign.
I love the premise of the story, but I'm frustrated with my inability to tell it in a way that measures up to the standard I'd like to put out there in the world.
Why is that good news? Well, I think it's good news because I'm still not done with the story, and I don't want to be done with the story--which may just mean that I have a good story to tell.
Alright, is everyone happy with this sloppy insight into my unhealthy mind?
Good.
This whole project started from an earworm of a song I wrote that I kept sharing with friends, who kept responding that they couldn't get the damn thing out of their heads.
Like, they were practically mad about it.
So, that meant that I had to record it on a trip to visit my bandmate, Russ.
Oh, by the way, I'm in a band called The Mars McClanes, go check us out on Spotify or wherever.
Anyway, I thought it would be fun to write a short story for our blog to go along with the song. A story about a new kid who wishes he could write a song to impress a girl and fit into his new surroundings, only to have that wish go painfully awry, et cetera, et cetera, you know the deal.
I guess it's technically YA since it takes place in high school, but if you like my style of writing, it's the same thing, but with fewer F words than Ghost Bully.
OK, zero F words, but I think I say damn or something. We'll see.
So, to wrap up. New book is in its finishing phases to be complete by September for a 2024 release with a corresponding single by The Mars McClanes.
Stay tuned for more details.
Blog #37: Did AI Write This?
Hey, it’s me again. Thought we’d talk about a couple of things in this blog: one: I’ll have a new novella out either by the end of the year or early 2024, and two: AI.
There is a lot of fear and wonder about AI and how it might affect all creative industries, especially writing. For example, since the launch of Chat GPT, Amazon has been flooded with AI-written ebooks: https://www.reuters.com/technology/chatgpt-launches-boom-ai-written-e-books-amazon-2023-02-21/
There is also some concern from film and television writers that studios could replace them with software: https://www.npr.org/2023/05/18/1176806824/striking-movie-and-tv-writers-worry-that-they-will-be-replaced-by-ai
I don’t know about all that, but I I thought I’d chime in on how I’m using it.
I recently finished my latest project (on my own).
But once I finished it, I loaded every chapter into Chat GPT. I had to load it in a chapter at a time, and it took forever, and once I had it all in, I timed out on my responses for the hour (it automatically generates a response when you load something in, even if you haven’t asked it a question). But after my hour-long penalty boxification, I was able to ask it some key questions. Like:
1) What genre does this fall in, and what are some comparable titles?
Do you know how hard this is?! So many people weighed in on Ghost Bully and Space Throne for weeks before I figured out what the comps were. However, after about 10 seconds of typing, I had this:
This story would likely fall into the Young Adult (YA) genre, specifically within the sub-genre of YA contemporary fantasy or magical realism due to the blend of real-world experiences (high school, friendships, first love) with elements of magic.
Comparable titles and authors could include:
1. "Every Day" by David Levithan: This book also involves elements of romance and magical realism. The protagonist wakes up each day in a different body and must navigate their life accordingly.
2. "The Rest of Us Just Live Here" by Patrick Ness: This novel combines the mundanity of high school life with the surreal and supernatural, much like the story of Geoff and Corinne.
3. "Eleanor & Park" by Rainbow Rowell: Although this novel doesn't have the magical elements, it does focus on two young outsiders who find solace and understanding in each other, much like Geoff's experience.
4. "Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda" by Becky Albertalli: This novel also explores high school dynamics, personal growth, and the trials of young love, but without the magical elements.
5. "Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children" by Ransom Riggs: This series combines the ordinary world with extraordinary elements and characters, much like Geoff's story.
6. "Fangirl" by Rainbow Rowell: This novel explores a protagonist with a passion (in this case, fan fiction), much like Geoff's interest in songwriting, and features a main character navigating the challenges of young adulthood.
That’s right, I’m writing a YA novella—deal with it.
Back-of-book blurbs are annoying to write, but they’re important. Really important. I realize that. Chat GPT is excellent at churning out marketing and ad copy. So naturally, I asked Chat GPT to craft something for me. It took a few queries to get into shape, and ultimately, I edited what was there to sound a little more like me, but here’s what we came up with:
New in town and navigating the complexities of Tabor High, Geoff Smith might be a little more comfortable with a guitar in his hands than with a conversation. His father, a professor and collector of magical oddities, is a local goth hero, but that doesn’t exactly boost Geoff's popularity. However, his dad’s latest find, a leather-bound book of spells, might be the key to winning a seemingly impossible bet with his crush, Corinne.
The bet? Pen a song that rhymes with the word "film.” The reward? A date with Corinne herself. The catch? Always read the fine print.
In a whirl of notes and lyrics, Geoff unknowingly strums a cursed tune. Suddenly, his low-key life hits a high note as the melody weaves its magical chaos throughout the school. The world becomes a stage, the students unknowing actors, and Geoff? He's the lead in this unruly production.
Caught in the spell's limelight, Geoff needs to face the music. With the stakes escalating, he has to navigate his confusing feelings for the enigmatic Corinne, dodge the ominous shadow of her brooding friend, Will, and find a way to break the spell before the final curtain call. Can Geoff turn the tables, win the girl, and restore harmony? Or will he learn the hard way that in magic, as in music, everything has its price?
Ok, so are you in, or what? This is a real sly way of letting you know I’m coming out with a new book. Whatever, I think Chat GPT is pretty cool. Shoot me a note to let me know how you’re using it, I’d love to know.
Blog #36: Hold Your Fire!
A few years ago, I was watching one of my favorite authors at a DragonCon panel on YouTube. I’d been following his blog and tips for writing for a while, so my ears perked up when he mentioned he’d be teaching at Superstars Writing Seminar that February.
So, naturally, I researched the writing workshop and signed up within the hour.
I attended my first seminar in February of 2018. It was a blast; I learned a lot and met a lot of great people (including everyone in my writing group). They sold an anthology that benefited a scholarship for the seminar, and most, if not all, of the contributors were viewed as luminaries of the event. I thought it was cool and made a point to submit something for the next one.
I didn’t.
I was too busy working on Space Throne, sue me.
Anyway, I caught wind of this year’s anthology theme and submitted a short story called “One Hit Webster.” It’s kind of like Neil Gaiman’s American Gods meets Charlie Daniels’ “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”
The story focuses on a Nashville songwriter named Matt Webster, who, on the eve of his big break, finds out his muse informs Matt that he’s on strike. With five hours left to go, Matt panics and finds himself making a deal he may soon regret.
Folks, “One Hit Webster” made it into this year’s anthology called Hold Your Fire. It comes out February 19th, and if you’re interested in the teaser above, there are eighteen other stories to go with it.
You can pre-order here today: https://wordfirepress.com/pre-order-promotion/
Blog # 35: Panama!
Hey again, it’s me, Brian. Big week this week, Space Throne is out, so if you’re reading this and you haven’t picked it up yet—you should feel bad. If you’re reading this and you’ve picked it up already, then you’re my favorite.
I’m going to keep this post upbeat considering my last one was deep within my feelings after losing my grandmother, but I feel like I have to say something about the loss of Eddie Van Halen.
If you don’t know who that is, you’re probably going to hate this post about music videos, so fair warning, and if you’re a Van Halen fan, you probably noticed that I just referenced one of their albums.
Anyway, Eddie Van Halen was one of those god-like personalities that roamed the earth when I was growing up. An icon like Michael Jackson, David Bowie, or Michael Jordan. Someone whose talent was so game-changing, it was like they were from another planet. I’ve played guitar for about thirty years now, and I still can’t fathom how someone’s brain, much less their fingers do what he did on a fret board. The red, black, and white criss-cross patterns he spray-painted on his guitar defined a look of the 80s, in the same way he defined a sound.
I realize now that the first music video I remember seeing was Van Halen’s Jump, so I figured I’d do a top ten list about music videos even though I should probably focus on EVH’s guitars, guitar tone, or legendary feuds with front men.
Now, I was six or seven when MTV hit the mainstream, which meant that I wasn’t allowed to watch it. Which, naturally, meant that I’d just ride my bike to one of my friends’ houses and watched it there.
Yeah, I had multiple friends back then. It was a good time.
So, here we go.
1) Tom Petty’s “Don’t Come Around Here No More”
Now you may be thinking to yourself, “Did this guy really start a top ten list with his favorite video? Doesn’t he know you’re supposed to count down?” And you know what? You’re probably right, but I figure let’s get on the same page before you keep reading. This video is my favorite. When I think of MTV, I think of a creepy Tom Petty in an oversized hat, cutting into a beautiful woman who, turns out, is made of cake.
2) Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”
Maybe this should be number one, but it isn’t, so deal with it. Life isn’t a meritocracy. I think I was in second grade when this came out, and it was bonkers. The 80s were weird, and even elementary school kids were super-into music videos—maybe because half of us weren’t allowed to watch them, I don’t know.
Thriller wasn’t just in regular rotation on MTV, but if you stayed up until midnight, you got to watch it on a crappy Friday night show on NBC called, and you’re not going to believe this: Friday Night Videos.
My friends and I would sleep over at each others’ houses, drink way too much Coke, and bounce off the walls until the video finally came on. Our over-caffeinated, sugar-bugged eyes were treated to a true masterpiece of 80s culture where Michael Jackson pretended to be a normal person who went on dates to movies, and then, more believably, danced around as a zombie, and ended the video as a werewolf, I guess?
I don’t know, but I loved it then, and I love it now.
Incidentally, I just watched an MTV documentary and learned that MTV paid the production costs for Thriller. And since they didn’t want the word to get out that they’d financed a music video, they funded it by optioning the rights for The Making of “Thriller.”
Classic 80s move.
3) The Cars, “You Might Think”
This song is great, and the video is ri-got-dam-diculous. It was a total mind-fuck of special effects when I saw it in 1984 or whatever, but I watched it again just now as part of this little blog exercise, and it still just as cuckoo bananas.
Some people couldn’t ever get their heads around why Paulina Porizkova was with Rick Ocasek, but it always made perfect sense to anyone who grew up watching this video. The Cars were a great band, Rick Ocasek was a true rock star, and this video could arguably be at number one for me.
But it’s not, it’s number three.
4) Run DMC/Aerosmith “Walk This Way”
I had a tape with Run DMC’s Raisin’ Hell on one side and Michael Jackson’s Bad on the other, so looking back on it, I really kicked ass as a fourth-grader.
I had no idea who Aerosmith was, and didn’t really understand why they were in this video, but I learned to like them later.
5) Van Halen “Jump”
Look, this video shouldn’t be great. It’s a bunch of guys in spandex mugging for the camera, but they were the coolest bunch of dudes in 1984, and the video still works for some reason. Probably because of the song. The synth, the fretboard gymnastics, what’s not to like?
Sidenote: I remember eight year old me annoying a bunch of people in the Mayflower Café in Jackson, MS by spending two dollars on the jukebox and picking this song for every quarter. And by a bunch of people, I include my entire family into that mix.
6) Ray Parker Jr “Ghostbusters”
Growing up in Waco, TX, watching this video was just as cool as watching the movie. I took gymnastics as a kid, and there was a tiny little television nook just off the main floor for some reason. Every time this video would come on, our exasperated, feathered-hair teacher would take a big sigh and stomp her feet as her entire class booked it across the performance mat to skid into place in front of the TV, shouting along to the hook of the song.
(the hook of the song was Ghostbusters, just in case you forgot)
And hey, Chevy Chase was in the video for some reason. I didn’t know who he was, really, but I knew he was supposed to be funny, so I laughed when he came on, in the hopes the other kids in gymnastics thought I was cool.
7) Bon Jovi “Blaze of Glory”
I know. I know! What? Fucking Blaze of Glory, are you serious?
Yes. Look, it’s my top ten.
I was a huge fan of Young Guns and Bon Jovi. Not to mention that I went to some sort of Christian outdoorsy survival camp thing in Lincoln County, New Mexico that summer. This thing couldn’t help but burn itself deep into my coiled gray matter, and by that, I’m talking about my brain.
The song is pretty good, Jon Bon Jovi even works in the name of the movie into the lyrics.
“I’m a young guuuuuuuun
Ayyyy-eeee-yay-eeh yaaaay
Young Guuuuuuuuuuuuu
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Nnn.”
I wore out two tapes of this album.
8) Foo Fighters “Big Me”
My roommates and I died every time this video came on. Couldn’t believe this was the same guy who played drums in Nirvana. Great video, even better album. Even got me to eat mentos for a hot minute.
9) Beastie Boys “Sabotage”
Jesus police radio squelching Christ, this video is hilarious. Still, to this day. The music is incredible, but this video … this video . . . oh god, maybe this video should be number one. What have I done?
10) Guns n’ Roses “November Rain”
I recently read somewhere that President Trump would make his staffers watch this video because he thought it was great. As bonkers as it sounds, it’s not even in the top ten weirdest things I’ve heard about the man this week. So, if I ever meet him, I guess we have some common ground.
I think this is it. This is the high point of the music industry. I refuse to look at actual statistics, so just go with me.
The record label threw ungodly money at Use Your Illusion I & II and maybe even more money at this epic, over-the-top, self-indulgent video.
And, that’s great, because it works.
I don’t know how, but it does.
It has it all, supermodel Stephanie Seymour, Slash phallic guitar solo in a graveyard, and rain. What more do you want?
11) Fastball “The Way”
One: of course, there’s an eleven in my top ten, and two: hell yeah, this one. Austin in the 90s was incredible, and nothing epitomizes it more than this band, this song, and this video for me. I still listen to All the Pain Money Can Buy from time to time, and Fastball had a real moment back then.
12) “Weird” Al Yankovic “Like a Surgeon”
I was on vacation in San Antonio when I watched this video for the first time. Nothing like room service hamburgers, a freezing cold hotel room, and a mother darting in front of the television terrified that it was the Madonna version to make an impression.
Honorable Mention
1) Bruce Springsteen “Dancing in the Dark”
Because of Courtney Cox. I’ve had a crush on her for most of my life, from Family Ties to now.
There it is, you’ve done it. You’ve wasted a perfectly good ten minutes or whatever of your life reading this. I thought about adding youtube links to every one of these, but decided that was too much work, and that I’d probably Rick Roll one of the links, and I don’t think people even do that anymore.
Now, go buy my book and leave a nice review. My mom reads those.
Blog #34: A sad one
This post will be a bit of a bummer, sorry, but I lost my grandmother last weekend. Her name was June Taylor, but to me, my sister, and my cousin, she was Nana. Nana was ninety-three years old when she died, which made her five years older than I am right now when I was born.
Go for it, math nerds. How old am I now?*
Nana had the best laugh, one that made for the perfect complement to my grandfather’s tall tales about Texas. Of course, Nana had stories of her own, and the phrase “I just got so tickled” factored into most, if not all, of them.
I like that she called my grandfather (Harve) by his last name, Taylor. She said it like “Taylah” because she was from Semmes, AL (just outside Mobile).
For the first seven years of my life, Nana and Papa, lived on a ranch in Hillsboro, TX, with a herd of polled Hereford cattle and an Australian sheepdog named Tildy (short for Matilda).
Nana always managed to find crisp, red delicious apples back in the 80s, and I’m not sure anyone I’ve ever met sliced them as fine as she did. I think she was the first person I met that didn’t use JIF or Peter Pan peanut butter, but whatever she used sure did taste great as a dipping sauce for those apple slices.
I have plenty of memories curled up on their couch in Hillsboro, hair wet from the shower, wrapped in a hand-knitted blanket watching Charlie’s Angels or Dallas on television. But a couple spring to mind, like the time a field mouse scrambled through the house (Papa ushered it out the door with a broom) or when we found the curious faces of a couple heads of cattle staring at us through the window because they’d somehow managed to get the gate open.
The mouse bit sticks with me in particular, because it required a team effort to usher it out of the house. And by team, I mean me, my cousin, and my sister cracking up as Nana leaped from one piece of furniture to the next as she tried to avoid the furry little invader.
She’d often re-tell the story through many visits to Alabama for Chrismas (they moved away in 1985 or 86, I think), ending it with her trademark, “I just get so tickled every time I think about that.”
And by often, I’m pretty sure, I mean all, but that was fine by me. I always kind of got a kick out of how much it cracked her up.
But in sorting through a lifetime of memories, I think my favorite one happened a few years ago.
I was in a hotel room in New Orleans when my grandfather phoned me up and told me he wanted to see me one more time before he died. So, I said, “How about today?”
(It wasn’t a threat on his life; I was just letting him know I was within driving distance and could be there in a couple of hours)
So, I canceled my meetings for the day and made the two-hour drive to Semmes to visit my grandfather in an assisted living facility.
I enjoyed the visit with Papa. He was in good spirits, knew all his nurses’ names, asked me about work, and shared a few stories with me. He’d been in sales too, worked at IBM from the 60s through the 80s, and had some good ones.
But this post isn’t about Papa.
At some point the nurses needed to come in and do something (I don’t remember what), and Nana asked if I wanted to go to lunch.
Of course, I did.
So, we packed up and drove around the neighborhood looking for a place to eat. She talked about Papa some, pointed out a few landmarks, and made a few anecdotes about buildings and what they were a long time ago (she’d grown up in the area), until finally, she spotted a place that looked good to her.
It was at that point that I realized that I’d never had lunch with just her. There was always someone else around: Papa, my sister, my mom—or a whole a mixed bunch of Corleys, Taylors, and Tates. But now, it was just us, and she seemed different. Our conversation had a looser feel to it.
The restaurant she chose was apparently known for their hot dogs, which was funny, I’d never seen my grandmother eat a hot dog in my life. Pizza yes, hamburgers, sure, but not a hot dog.
There’s no punchline here. It’s just my favorite memory. It’s the best conversation I’d ever had with her, although I don’t remember any of the particular topics. Maybe it’s the only time she’d set aside the mantle of Nana and was just June with me; I don’t know.
But I’m glad I canceled my meetings that day.
I get so tickled every time I think of it.
I love you, Nana. You will be missed.
*Did you get 44? Good job.
Blog #33: The Larry Bird of Blog Posts or Goodbye Summer
Officially, the first day of Fall is September 22nd, but oh hell, the entire west coast is on fire, let’s just call the Summer over.
So, with that out of the way, it’s time to look back on the halcyon days when we were just forced to quarantine without hazardous levels of smoke and ash stopping us from even stepping foot outside our doors.
Here’s my top ten list of things I liked over the Summer:
· Favorite movie: The Old Guard. This may be a rehash from an earlier post of things I liked, but if there is one thing I am, it’s consistent. It’s a perfect action written by Portland’s own Greg Rucka, and directed by Gina Prince-Bythewood (For Love and Basketball). After Fury Road and Atomic Blonde, Charlize Theron has firmly cemented herself as one of if not the top action movie stars on the planet (honorable mentions: Tom Cruise, The Rock, and Dave Bautista).
· Favorite album: It’s a tie between Run the Jewel’s RTJ4 and The Chicks’ Gaslighter. RTJ4 gives us “Out of Sight,” my favorite song and video of the Summer. If you haven’t seen the video, check it out. It also gives us JU$T, which has been in my head a lot. Gaslighter was something else altogether. In fact, I wrote a way too personal blog that I decided not to publish, but suffice it to say, The Chicks were a big part of the soundtrack of my college years, and now they’re back in heavy rotation in my post-divorce years. The definitive album of love gone wrong and the fallout from broken promises and broken dreams. There’s even a little glimmer of hope in there on “Best Friend’s Wedding.” It’s not performative, but it’s brilliantly performed. These songs feel real. I love “Goodbye Earl” as much as anyone else, but this is what heartbreak really sounds like.
· Favorite Television Show: Does Netflix count as television? Yes. Hell yes. Warrior Nun is my favorite show of the Summer, hands down. Weird and beautifully shot, it’s nowhere close to perfect, but that kind of adds to the charm of it. Want to know what it’s about? Warrior Nuns. What more do you want? Special Mention to The Great and Taskmaster (not new, but I just discovered it this Summer, so I’m counting it).
· Favorite Town: Portland, OR. Whether it’s the smoke from tear gas canisters shot by our beloved PPB or from wildfires invading our houses, I just won’t quit you. Keep it weird, you glorious bastards.
· Favorite Dog: Brisket.
· Favorite Food: Also Brisket, but the traditional BBQ, my dog is still alive and well.
· Podcast: Fake Doctors, Real Friends. Zach Braff and Donal Faison recount Scrubs episode by episode. I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a full season of the show, but I love this podcast.
· Book: The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers. Ha, I bet you thought I’d say my own, but you’re wrong! That will be my favorite book of the Fall when it launches October 13th!
Well, you’ve fallen for it again. That’s only eight things.
But really, my heart goes out there to everyone caught up in these wildfires. Stay inside if you can, stay safe if you can’t.
Until next time, bye.
Blog # 32: The Basement Roomba
The Roomba is hands down, my favorite modern invention.
I hate sweeping. It’s the worst. Cleaning the bathtub, or shower, toilet? No problem. Laundry? Fine. But for some reason, I hate getting the broom out, and I always have.
So, for me, the Roomba hits the technology mark like no other.
That said, do you know what’s better than a new Roomba? A new Roomba with googly eyes. Yeah, googly eyes. Now you have a little friend following you around, picking up behind you and your dog.
No more hairballs rolling across the floor like tumbleweeds down Mainstreet in an old west town. No, your floors are nice and clean, thanks to your new robot pal.
At least that was the arrangement that I had with my Roomba for several years until I moved into a new house here in Portland and decided to upgrade my life with the latest and greatest robot vacuum technology.
And seriously, it’s pretty great. The new Roomba maps out my house and cleans specific rooms when asked, all from the convenience of my phone.
Need to walk the dog?
Great, Roomba (my new one is named 8), can knock out the living room and dining room while you’re gone.
Need to head to the store?
Great, maybe 8 can clean the whole damn house.
It’s a marvel of modern technology, and it’s nothing short of amazing.
Except.
I googly-eyed my old Roomba.
See, for years, the Roomba wasn’t just a machine to me; it had personality. This meant that the normally exciting upgrade cycle was instead viewed as a loss. I would have to retire my old friend.
Remember the Disney classic Old Yeller? You know the scene when Travis had to put down Old Yeller right after he saves them from a bunch of wild pigs and then gets rabies from some random wolf?
No? Good for you, and don’t research the reference, trust me.
If you do . . . sidebar—I mean, isn’t it weird that there’s a big dramatic scene about wild pigs, and then it’s some dumb wolf comes along with really no significant foreshadowing other than one paltry scene of a dying cow, and gives rabies to the greatest dog ever?
OK, back to the blog post. It was kind of like that.
I dreaded it, and I knew the time would come as soon as I hit the purchase button online. My moment of excitement was marred by the dark cloud of future mourning, and no amount of on-demand detritus sucking technology would relieve me of that daunting responsibility.
What would I do with Roomba? Where would he go? Did I know someone that needed one? The short answer was no, no one wanted my used, dog hair infused Roomba.
Then one morning after emerging from my basement and tracking dust across my freshly mopped black tile floor, it hit me. The basement. I could retire my old friend to the basement!
OK, so maybe I’m not like Travis in Old Yeller. Maybe I’m more like Andy forgetting about his toys in Toy Story 3.
Maybe not that bad. I mean, he’d still have a purpose even if it wasn’t on the main floor with Brisket and me (I have a dog named Brisket).
When 8 arrived, it was a bittersweet day. The knock on the front door sent a thrill down my spine as I launched from my trusty office chair to hustle the package inside. I unboxed 8, downloaded the software, and after careful consideration, glued two googly eyes in just the right spot. All he had to do was charge up for his first run.
Unfortunately, that meant the time had come.
Time to break the news to my old friend.
I padded barefoot into my room and knelt close to my old friend. I gently unplugged the Roomba’s charger, coiled its cord around my arm, and cradled my old pal for one last move.
I took the basement steps slowly, partly for safety … it was hard to see, but mostly out of reverence for my old companion.
I chose to plug the charger into the outlet attached to the workbench. With everything going on down there, I felt it held the highest status among all the other options*.
Roomba just smiled, with that wide, dopey grin, and stared up at me with those oversized eyes.
“I’ll see you ‘round,” I said.
And I would.
I’d see him every once in a while, now, but it would never be like the old days when, after Brisket, he was the second face I’d see every morning and the penultimate** face I’d see every night.
I sighed before hitting the CLEAN button and sent him on his first mission in his new surroundings and trudged up the stairs to rejoin my new life in progress.
Things are good now, the walls are painted fresh, and the floors are as clean as they ever were. Sometimes I can hear my old Roomba bumping around down there. Knocking over brooms I refuse to hang up, as well as a makeshift metal covering that I keep leaning against the chimney because I am unsure of its purpose.
Anyway.
I hope he’s happy down there.
I guess the moral of the story is, be careful when you’re anthropomorphizing your inanimate objects, or you’ll end up blogging about it to the world someday.
*Please don’t ask for my criteria.***
**I can’t help but use this word whenever humanly possible. I’m sorry. Also, for clarification, this isn’t double-entendre or anything. I usually see Brisket’s face last.
***If you really want to know, the other options were around the washer/dryer, and that seemed a little crowded, and everywhere else seemed kind of dark and lonely.
Blog #31: The NBA is back! But, I'm not going to talk about it here.
Hey there, reader.
It’s time for another top ten list. Like most people, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands the past few months, and I’ve consumed a LOT of content, so, here’s some what I’ve liked:
· The Great, Hulu – Elle Fanning and Nicholas Hoult are amazing in this show. Visually, it’s like eight hours of Marie Antoinette (Sofia Copolla, 2006), but tonally, it’s much more. This series has it all: humor, grit, and a breeziness to the storyline I wasn’t expecting. This show may not be for everyone you know, but great for everyone that got the Copolla reference earlier and has a good sense of humor.
· The Old Guard, Netflix - Great for everyone, seriously. It doesn’t matter that it’s basically a fantasy conceit about a bunch of assassin types that live for hundreds of years, nope, this is an action movie for everyone. Charlize Theron is a badass in this movie, and I can’t imagine a bigger action movie star right now. If you haven’t seen it, watch it—even if your Uncle Steve who hates everything refuses to leave the room. I guarantee he will like it too.
· Warrior Nun, Netflix – I liked it. A LOT. It’s far from perfect, but it works and works really well for me. The lead, Alba Baptista, is as charismatic as they come, and Toya Turner is a battle-hardened mentor-type that commands the screen from the jump. It was shot in Spain, and the locations are bananas—seriously beautiful stuff. Give it a watch if you liked The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and season 2 of The Order.
· Speaking of which … The Order (Season 2), Netflix – I’ll be honest—I did not like the first season. This isn’t a critique blog (obviously), so suffice it to say, it just didn’t work for me. Season 2 did—in a big way. I guess the show figured out what it wanted to be and mashed the pedal down to eleven all the way across the mixed metaphor expressway. It’s a tongue in cheek show for geeks who like hidden SciFi and Fantasy gems like Grimm—geeks like me. The casting choices are just *chef’s kiss* amazing. This isn’t for everyone, but definitely tell your writing group, they’ll eat it up.
· The Umbrella Academy (Season 2), Netflix – The squad has traveled back in time to 1960s Dallas, TX and has a lot of what you liked about Season 1 while still keeping it fresh. Although there’s no talking chimp mentor, we still get glimpses of young Pogo here and there, and there’s a talking fish in a man suit—not bad. Aiden Gallagher grounds the show in a homicidal Robin from Teen Titans kind of way (that’s a compliment, btw). The guy can seriously chew up scenery, he’s good. Ritu Arya is the bright spot of the new season, for me. Her take on Lila (the adopted daughter of The Handler) is brilliant and had me pulling for her regardless of where she landed on the good guy/bad guy scale.
Of course, Robert Sheehan’s Klaus steals the show once again. He finds himself at home as a cult leader using lyrics from TLC’s mid 90s anthem “Waterfalls.” I’ve been a big fan of Sheehan since Misfits, which if you haven’t seen—go find it!
I’m beginning to think Netflix is making programming specifically for me.
Ok, so, this isn’t actually a top ten list. Sucker. The bullet points should have given it away. So, my other quarantine discoveries and recommendations are found on YouTube (at least in the US).
TaskMaster – created by Alex Horne and hosted by Greg Davies, the panel show pits five comedians against each other to complete strange tasks for arbitrary points and prizes. I swear to god, I could watch unlimited seasons of this show.
8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. Remember the unlimited seasons comment from above? Well, this one pretty much has it, which is great because it’s addictive.
(ed. note: there are actually 125 episodes, I looked it up)
Countdown isn’t a show in America, but apparently, it’s a big-brain institution of a game show in Britain. Only this version is with comedians. If you like TaskMaster (or the Big Fat Quiz of Everything), you’ll find a lot of the same comedians on this show. With the exception of Nick Helm. I’d never heard of the man before this show, but he is incredible. His poetry is both heartbreaking and hilarious and most of the time no one knows what to do with themselves while he’s reading it to a very game Susie Dent.
So there it is, another blog in the bank. We did it. Next week, I’ll probably write about The Chicks’ new album. Spoiler alert: I love it. I just want to dedicate a whole post to it.
I love you, bye.